A love letter to high-achievers: Why I coach them

Dear High-Achievers,

I am inspired every day by your capacity to handle Herculean levels of stress. Because I’ve lived it, too.

I remember when I was working at a top law firm in San Francisco. There was a week when, every night, I came home at 2:00am. This was just after a teleconference with my Chinese clients in the middle of their day. As I went to bed, I’d set my alarm for 5:00 am, so that I could join a teleconference with my Dutch clients in the middle of their day.

That week, my wife said: Can’t you just tell your firm that you can’t handle this? It seems physically impossible.

At the time, I worked with very kind colleagues, and I’m sure they would have helped me if I had asked. But I didn’t ask. Because it wasn’t impossible for me.

I actually could handle it. And I made it through the week feeling “just fine.” (It wasn’t until many years later that I realized the cost of pushing myself so hard.)

I think back on that time period often and wonder what could have helped me take better care of myself. I eventually entered therapy and later became a therapist myself. I still practice as a therapist today, and I love that work. But it has taught me something: coaching might have served my former self better. It's why I founded my coaching practice, Middle Way With Paul.

I’ve found that our mental health system isn’t designed to reach most high-achievers. To qualify for a diagnosis and treatment under the DSM-based model, someone’s symptoms, such as changes in sleep patterns or energy, must reach the level of "clinically significant distress or impairment” in daily functioning.

This approach is not designed to serve the person who, despite the stress and tension on the inside, is outwardly holding down the prestigious job, the loving family, and the happy social image. So it often takes a breakdown of those things for a high-achiever to begin taking care of themselves.

Through my coaching practice, I serve people before the breakdown. People who, rightfully so under the DSM, don’t yet see themselves as needing help from the clinical mental health system. And who fear the antiquated professional repercussions of even approaching that system to seek support.

Rather than a “from deficit to normal functioning” model, my coaching work helps high-achievers move from “just fine” to “enlivened, joyful, and fulfilled.”

Because even if you don’t have a mental health diagnosis, some aspects of your life may still hurt. Like the lack of sleep and exercise. Or the struggle to set boundaries at work. Or the inability to catch your breath during the day. Or your relationships that have not been tended to. And maybe even more than all that — the lack of purpose you may feel because you don’t have a moment to pause and connect with yourself.

All those years ago, I wish my wife had asked me a different question. I wish she had asked me how I was feeling amidst all the stress. When I said I was managing it all “Just fine,” I wish she had said:

“Oh, darling. You deserve so much better than just fine.”

This is my message to you, too. There is a place beyond fine. A place that is brilliantly alive with all that you are, all that you’ve been, and all that you are becoming.

If you’d like some help reconnecting with this place in yourself, I hope you will reach out.

Warmly,

Paul